In My Shoes Intro
Feeling lots of anger & resentment. Had a near panic attack a couple days ago. All stemming from the few day virus my boyfriend, Jon, has. I feel jealousy as people are tending to him, including me, while throughout the path of my sickness, very few have tended to me. The near panic attack stemmed from Jon's questioning and pretty directly implying that he got sick from me. I felt shame but also this made me question whether or not I do still have something transferable that could be cured thus leading to wellness, but even the idea of pursuing this route exhausts me, as I've designated my energy deficit to seeing 50+ doctors, few of whom have helped in any way, but rather, hurt my situation and contributed more so to further physical and mental decline. I've wanted to rise above these feelings and act in a manner others did anything but for me. In fact, most people abandoned and doubted me, even those that were closest, or so I thought, to me. So I have tried to demonstrate compassion to Jon, all the while experiencing so much internal turbulence derived from all my past few years experiencing illness and all the repercussions to my life. The fact that these feelings, emotions and memoreies are so strong internally, despite my strong desire to suppress them and put myself in Jon's shoes, as those of a sick person, in order to relate and provide the care and compassion needed, enables me to do anything but acting and helping with sincerity, all the while makes surface within me so much guilt since I can't seem to either suppress or rise above my own experience of illness. And it is because Jon, nor anyone who has acute or short duration unwellness, will never be able to know what it's like to experience prolonged, and in some cases, indefinite illness throughout which emotional, mental and physical distress has accumulated both through internal turmoil, but mostly through others' misunderstanding and active choices to not want to understand and to want to segregate themselves from this form of experience and association. And because the well, who may have temporary bouts of sickness, will not or have not walked in the shoes of the chronically ill, the experience of these others is almost as foreign from that of my own and others that are chronically ill as the dichotomy between 2 polar contrasting conditions of healthy & sick or well & unwell. And it is for this rather small present experience (relative to the larger experience comprising my past) and resulting beliefs, feelings and emotions that have prompted me to begin this blog, so that one may not walk the walk of another, but to help bridge the gap between those that are well and unwell and even between each of the ill's unique experience to that of the next, to ultimately foster greater understanding and more greatly connect our journeys of life. For it is in embracing the walk in each of our own individual shoes and uniting our paths so that we can walk the journey of life together.